standing up

i'm here...once again,
why you're opening up the healing wounds again.....
i think i better leave right now...before i get any deeper
i think i better leave right now...i'm feeling weaker and weaker...

This used to be the lyrics which i find it very true to myself. When put in a position where there is a need to face the "Weaker" side of me, these words from Leave Right Now, sang by Will Young, would be buzzing! It is like a broken record, there stop button does not work.

Since the close button is not available, guess the next possible option is the famous Ctrl+Alt+Del to kill the process. This best decribe my brave front. I am not sure if killing the buzz would ensure smoother processes, but just have to try. You never know till you try....

So, what do i have in mind and what do i intend to do?? What's the big deal about it? Well, the big deal is that I've been living in fears for years. Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of failure. What if my plan does not work out? What if the other parties do not appreciate the same manner, it would mean that I fail!!! Life is usually driven by two-fear or desire. Which is yours?

From above, you would have known, mine was definitely driven by fears. Call it asian minded or women's weakness. But today, I like to try the other approach- to make a life that is driven by desire.

Desire...sounds pretty self-centered, doesnt it? It is about what one person wants for himself/herself. WEll, it does sound selfish to me, but in actual fact. If you dare to dream, and dare to achieve your dream, thats also another kind of desire for me.

Now that I have my dream job (not stopping here), dream location (Europe) and would be my dream life(whats that?!) hahahaha...wished i knew. Have not been able to answer but at this moment, as i am recording this, I have a desire to expose myself (not physically) but emotionally and mentally. I would like to be given the chance to know others and to let others know me. how is that? let's wait and see...a brave step.

identify identity

A recent trip to the past, literally!! It is close to one of those Hollywood movies where you find yourself standing at the same position you used to do 10 years ago. I find it lucky to have such an opportunity to reflect on events of life during that period.

Was confonted that I've changed. Indeed, am quite proud of that. How can people live without change? I wonder!! Try to think of yourself, the kind of lifestyle, things you enjoyed doing at that age...how do you rate yourself now? Are you still contented with the same thing? Please dont get me wrong. I have nothing against, and I dont look down on you if you still find the same pleasure...i just tend to have a different view. I contribute this to my short concentration span.

As for mysef, it has been a metaphore...since the past 3 years, so would sound better if we leave the discussion of 10 years. I have a different position socially, (in the community) From being a parasite, depending on the generousity of others, do self-earning. This has given me a different view and status in life. Apart from financial speaking, there are also goals. It just brings me back to the days, where I would admire and envy older friends who had good position in their career, freedom to move around and just meeting their goals. Now, I must say, (not by my own strength of course!) I am where I wanted myself to be. Why wouldnt I appreciate the change?

Sadly, everything comes with a price. Indeed, goals are met, satisfaction in life, but there is a trade-off. Identity!!! Was raised in a family where family values are highly observed. Living away from home, (let alone abroad) is almost un-heard of. Grow up to become somebody's wife and to support my husband. Live within the same community with the same language. Those would be my parent's dream..and unfortunately, these dreams would never come true.

Goals come with identity change. It is a package. Nobody could live with the past and yet achieve their dreams. So, who am i now? It remains a question for myself. Just an idea, i have black hair, yellow skin, but does that really qualify me to be a chinese as stated in my identity card? If not, where do i belong? This is not something I would be proud of as it may cause difficulties in life. But, if life is such an easy thing to do, what would be the challenge? Who are you, by the way? The chances if you stumble upon my blog, you would be one of those people who belong to the community of the world. Do you know where you belong? (am not refering to the type of passport you're holding) Your values, your opinon of life, the environment you feel most comfortable in...are they ever close where you've began your life?

Dedication - Silence

A day of silence; no sign of you
Leaves me yearning for more of you
Indecisive, contradiction, all love within me
Outpouring like river with lots of fear
Uncertainties and yet loved I feel while you are here.

Wounded heart, shattered dreams, with you i like to share
Please tell me if you care
Memories of love you rendered me
Fearless now, the future i dare to see

Tell me if I am late
Tell me how can i fix this
Your presence constantly in my head
A chance to love you, I refuse to miss